My beautiful family – I miss you so!

My attitude yesterday was a little rough about life.  I’ve decided that Korea  isn’t a bad of a place.  My Korean friend asked me if America is really that much better than Korea.  Life is just easier when you can communicate.  In America, everything is accessible.  It’s not to say that I took life for granted, it’s the only way of life I knew growing up.

I miss the ease of being able to go out and buy gingerbread cookies right now or even regular cranberries.  I can’t find green beans anywhere and brussel sprouts (which are in season) aren’t anywhere around either.  However, there’s about six million varieties of this type of leafy thing that looks like lettuce, but I’m not really sure what its for (other than a part of banchan, or side dish, to wrap around meat with hot Korean paste).

I don’t mean to complain.  Although, I suppose I sort of am.  I’ve been watching as many youtube videos as I can hunt down involving Christmas cooking.  You know, Martha Stewart, Nigella Lawson, but I can’t find a real episode of Ina Garten!!

All this aside, I’m going to attempt an impossible feat this weekend and for my giving challenge, I will prepare a fancy meal for a handful of my Korean friends – American style.  Well, as American as I can make it, seeing that I can’t get creme anglaise here (for the gingerbread dessert).  Though, I’m not sure if creme anglaise is really American.

Today, I’m giving thanks for my family.  My parents have done nothing less than taking time to let me know how much they love by sending frequent care packages.  My cousin and his new wife sent me the sweetest care package recently and I’m feeling so loved (and lucky).

Yesterday, for the giving challenge, I gave something anonymously to a girl who I know is struggling with her life here.  I think I sometimes give because I’m attached to the end result.  You know, the person thinking I’m so sweet gives me a good feeling.  So, I left her a little gift before she arrived and hope it brought a smile her way.  And, if it didn’t – at least I won’t know.

Today, I gave something away that I was intending to keep for myself.  It was actually pretty trivial, but it helped me break the attachment.

Joy Finds Wonder Everywhere

My mom gave me a simple black and white card before I came to Korea with that written on the front.  At the time, I didn’t grasp what it really meant or how I could apply it to my life.  Call me “dense,” but the depth of the meaning finally sank in the other day (only took me 8 months).

A joyful heart can find the happiness in any moment…this is what I want in my life and this is what I wish for everyone.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that she is so happy that I’m going out all the time now and making Korean friends. Over summer, she thought I’d never leave my apartment.  Now, I have a hard time staying at home…

So, today, I’m thankful for finding joy in Korea.

For day #3 of giving, I’m going to go out of my way to give something to my branch manager and a coworker who I never talk to.

This place has been like a refuge for me.  I am so lucky and thankful to have found this shala.  The timing was impeccable as the doors opened in April and I arrived in May.  The location is ideal, being only a brisk 15 min walk from my apartment, and the owner has given me the key so I can come and go when I please.

I’m still thanking God, the universe, timing, whatever for having this place be so close to me.

For day #2 of the giving challenge, I donated to Operation Shanti!  I think I might do something for a friend too.  It’s good for me to step outside myself… Happy Times.

I’ve decided to embark on the 29-Day Giving challenge.  I’m ashamed to admit that I sat on this decision for a couple of days and was practicing giving to others in the meantime.  I kinda thought, well, I don’t really need to sign up, I can do it alone. But, I think only being accountable to myself will result in potential cheating.  So, I am committing openly and just signed up.

I like the idea of having to give something to others, big or small.  Unfortunately, I can’t count the sweater, heels, and adorable sweatshirt I just bought on sale as part of the giving challenge.  You know, I like to give to myself.

Anyway, it’s been great to see how giving something can brighten someone’s day.

In addition to the 29-Day Callenge, I’m going to challenge myself to say something I’m thankful for everyday.  Yes, I’m going to attempt to blog about it all for the duration of the month.  This is an incredibly HARD task because I am so busy.  Anyway, here’s goes nothing!!

December 1st marks month #7 in Korea.

I’m wondering why it took me so long to have my life fill up so much.  Though I miss my family tremendously (cousin and new-wife included), I am really loving it here.

Suddenly, five days are passing between email responses and making actual phone calls at a reasonable time to the states is becoming more of a challenge.  It’s chilly and I’m going out all the time.  I thought I was supposed to hibernate in the winter.

One thing I’m finding which hasn’t changed is my incessant ability to make friends, even with a language barrier.  This past weekend, I again made plans with three Korean friends to check out a vegetarian restaurant and I somehow found myself actually “out” on a Saturday night.  I’m getting cultural lessons on a daily basis, well, mostly because I’m breaking cultural rules left and right too.  Minus hugging male Koreans, I’m hugging Korean women.  Okay, okay, it’s not as big a deal to hug Korean women (being that I am a woman), but I think they tend to be a little more reserved.  Additionally, the friends I got together Saturday night were two Korean girls and one Korean male.  I don’t think this is very normal and everyone seemed rather awkward, until I compounded the situation  by adding two of my foreign girlfriends.  Apparently, when one male is seen with that many women, he’s supposed to be very rich…

Korean men still carry their girlfriend’s purses (umbrellas, bags, etc).  Though, I’ve gotten quite accustomed to seeing it, I still can’t accept it.  In America, the land of let-me-be-an-independent woman, the last thing we’ve learned to desire is a man who is willing to carry our purse (because we all know how darn heavy those things can be).  I swear my mom or sister could kill someone if they turned their bodies too quickly while their bag was hanging on their arm.

Shanti, the owner of the yoga shala, is constantly giving me gifts.  As a result, I’m constantly doing exactly the same, hoping that somehow my measely whatever will equate to her kindness.  I made her oatmeal a couple of times, with organic oats, cinnamon and honey that my parents had sent me.  She looooved it.  Anyway, today she shows up with the two containters I used full of Korean food.

I gasped, “What??!  You’re so busy, why –”

Shanti, “In Korean culture, if someone brings you food, it’s not good to keep an empty container.  You’re supposed to fill it and give it back…”

I’m thinking this could be a potential problem because I now feel as if I should follow the code and fill it up again for her.

This could drag on for a really loooong time.

The mind is energy, so regulate it

Tracy asked me to send her a picture wearing the pendant I purchased for Operation Shanti.  I wanted to have a little fun with the picture so I put my camera on a timer and took some movement shots.  Anyway, if you don’t have a pendant, I encourage you to help out the cause!! It’d make a great Christmas present/stocking stuffer.

Please don’t make fun of my pictures…and yes, Korea has done nothing for my tan.

My first week of teaching yoga and self practice before has been exhausting.  I don’t know if it’s the weather, the food I feel almost obligated to indulge in (because I’m “missing” out on great tastes back at home right now) or just my mind, but I have been so tired all week.  Plus, practices have been painfully challenging.

However, on the positive side, this week has passed by really quickly.  At this rate, Spring will be here in no time.  I’m looking to arrange workshops with yoga teachers.  If you have any interest in teaching or know of someone who’d like to come teach for a weekend in Korea, please contact me.

Otherwise, Happy Thanksgiving from South Korea!!  I’m dreaming of green bean dishes (because that vegetable seems to be practically obsolete here), family gatherings, and pumpkin pie!!

It’s forgiveness that makes us what we are. Without forgiveness, our species would’ve annihilated itself in endless retributions. Without forgiveness, there would be no history. Without that hope, there would be no art, for every work of art is in some way an act of forgiveness. Without that dream, there would be no love, for every act of love is in some way a promise to forgive. We live on because we can love, and we love because we can forgive.

I’m embarrassed to admit how long it is taking me to read Shantaram.  I’m about 60% of the way through the book and can’t seem to find the time to read.  My life has gone from very mundane to very busy within one month.

Yesterday, was my first official day of “teaching” at the yoga shala here in Busan. Although, the only people I’ve been teaching are my friends.  It’s all very small right now and I’m quite anxious to have the program grow.  I hope I don’t get discouraged.   The owner of the shala, my friend, has been like a second mom to me.  If I’d known any better, I’d think my mom had arranged for her to watch over me.

I’m not sure how to help the program grow.  I’ve been in contact with a few well known ashtanga teachers in Tokyo and in the states in hopes of persuading some to come do a weekend workshop.  The ashtanga community is so new here.  I just want to to do everything possible to help her business and the practice here prosper.  Not that other places deserve it any less, but Koreans are really in need of yoga.

Self-practice alone the past two mornings have been interesting and completely lacking inspiration.  My body has been stiff and I’m not sure if it’s from overindulging in a various array of delicious foods from this amazing place.  I’m definitely noticing a soreness all over my body from the little amount of adjusting and it’s a little scary to be teaching.

Anyway, the holidays are here and I’ll be spending it alone.  OK, I have foreign friends here, and I’ll be teaching in a classroom, so technically, I won’t be “alone,” but it’s a little bittersweet.  I’m feeling a little guilty for not being “there” for my family during this time, but I guess my life is what has happened.

Start by doing what’s necessary, then what’s possible, and suddenly you’ll find you’re doing the impossible

My free time is becoming more and more obsolete.  The weather is changing, the temperature is dropping (currently 4 C).  The cat who once scared me is now snuggling close every night.  I’ve begun to add more words to my pathetic Korean vocabulary because being able to ask someone if they want to die won’t do me much good if I’m trying to tell someone I’m a vegetarian.

So, with the s-l-o-w addition of random quintessential phrases to my vocabulary, the number of Korean acquaintances (stemming from the yoga community) is on the rise.  Koreans seem to be very interested in spending time with a guk (foreigner).   I had lunch with my Korean yoga friend and another woman and her family on Saturday.  The father asked why I had been in Korea for so long and was unable to speak Korean.

I felt ashamed.  To my humor, the father did speak a little English and decided to tell me, after we had all gotten more comfortable over an overcooked brownie and ice cream from Hagen Daz, he told me that he thought I spoke good English.

…Thank goodness!!…

As my comfort level has increased here, I’ve become more bold with people I encounter.  I somehow made plans with a male Korean who was taking a yoga class.  I later realized as we attempted to plan, that it was more like a date.

Ohh when in Korea…

Wait, that phrase is for Rome.

Two things to note when coming to Korea: the first is obvious, just as there are multiple differences in customs so goes the same for dating.  Just because it is common to see people holding hands, of both sexes, it’s not as common to see people openly hugging. Girls have their girlfriends.  Guys have their guy friends.  The two aren’t seen intermingling, unless at some large gathering.

Second, people in Korea have two ages, their Korean age and then their American age.  I misunderstood that the Korean age meant that they were more mature because it’s one year older than our American age.  However, I found out that they count the time before actual birth as a year.  Which, in my opinion doesn’t make any sense because they technically aren’t really “alive” for 12 months before, it’s only 9 months.  So, every New Year also marks a year older for their “Korean age.”

Long story short, I found out the attention I was seeking was actually from a 23 year old, which made the bad-enough-thought of going out with a 24-year old, even worse.

One other thing to note about Korean pop culture: fashion.  I was a bit amused when I first arrived.  The leggings or knit tights and short skirts or jean shorts with high heels was a little strange to me.  However, I am busting out in these fashions quite frequently now.  I sometimes feel like the 80’s style of large t-shirts have come back into style, but they haven’t…

Other thing to note, Koreans don’t tan.  If anything they will wear whitening cream to make themselves look whiter.  Many wear eyelash extensions and high heels to go grab coffee.

So, my “date” met me at the movies wearing fashionable skinny jeans, Dior boots, his permed thinned hair perfectly primed, and whitening cream on his face.  This is a sharp contrast to my bronzing power that I’m still busting out.  I still believe “the tan,” though it has triggered the onset of premature aging (most Koreans don’t look a day over 20), has a golden warm color that is still sexy, “hot” to me (even though I don’t look sex hot at all).  He also wouldn’t stop calling me “teacher,” because I’ve been helping teach a yoga class at a nearby college.  Every question began with, “Teacher, next plan?” “Teacher, what do you want to eat?”  It was respectful (and normal in Korean culture), but really weird for me.

I wasn’t aware of the level of intimacy or lack there of in Korea either.  After I was dropped home, I (being the hugging self that I am) spread my arms to give him a hug.  I noticed an immediate awkwardness over the situation and amidst the hug, but didn’t think anything of it and walked towards the elevator.  Apparently, hugs are reserved for later in established friendships or relationships.

To submerge myself even more in the culture (and yoga), I was offered a position with my friend teaching the morning Mysore program at her shala.  I want nothing more than to help her grow her shala and she wants more foreigners to come.  Anyway, because the students are at a novice level, I feel a little more OK teaching ashtanga with my minimal experience.  I’m really excited…I’m feeling so blessed.  And, I just realized I wrote a really long post…

I would admit that I’ve been hurt in the past by being left out of groups.  Ironically, I’m also guilty of being a person who was apart of a group that didn’t include everyone (and was aware of the exclusivity).

There is one supposedly popular ashtanga teacher here.  He’s studied in Mysore with Guruji and hosted one led primary class at the yoga shala that I practice at since I arrived.  He appeared like a very kind man.  It seemed many held him on a pedestal (like with Tim Miller, but he’s actually humble).  It’s been five months since I met him and I’ve also grown very close to the woman who owns the yoga shala where I practice and who is also his student.

My immediate impression of him was a fine aire of expertise over the practice, an expertise he didn’t care to share with any new students.  My teacher and another student of his had both made requests early in the summer asking if I could practice at his private shala (without me asking).  Apparently, there was no room, though I remember feeling the impression that there was no room wanting to be made.  As my friendship with the owner has grown very close, I recently asked her more about him.  My friend had asked for advice with an adjustment because she wanted to help me…I found out yesterday that he had advised over summer, “Let her go, why do you want to help?”

We spoke for a while and the first words that came to mind were that he’s being very elitist about the practice.  .

Blatantly, he doesn’t want new students nor does he want non-Korean students.

While I’m not hurt by this, I still feel threatened in some way.  My pride wants to do everything possible to bring as many foreign and Korean students to my friend’s shala…as if that will make some sort of statement.  Okay, that’s probably a very lame intention of me.

I think it frustrates me that people exist who are trying to make this like a clique.  It’s a practice to share not to hide away and pick and choose who can participate.  Perhaps my attitude is not the most mature and maybe it does burn me a little to find that someone has this type of attitude.  It’s sad and I really hope that this isn’t happening to frequently in the world because it would quickly shun beginners away from the practice.

I had a little bit of a clash this past weekend with one of my girlfriends.  It bothered me so much that I didn’t feel like myself after it happened Sat night.  I could feel my self withdrawing.  I wanted to hide behind my fake smile and the 10 year old within was conjuring up ways to avoid doing anything social with them again.

Yes, immature thoughts clouded my mind and most of it was false pride because that’s all I really had left to hold onto.  My mind was started coaxing mentally, Stop! That’s how you did it in the past, don’t go there again.  Don’t close off, you gotta let this go.

I don’t know what bothered me so much, I felt hurt and angry at the same time (one could argue those are one in the same).  I couldn’t sleep well Sunday night because I felt guilty for trading the former can’t-get-enough-of-staying-out-all-night-party girl for the now boring-prefer sitting at home old lady.

So, what have I done? I’ve blamed yoga.  Yoga hasn’t made me rigid and regimented, I’ve always been this way.  I lack balance and I’m scared to do things different because of what might possibly happen.

Practice yesterday was a little rough, mostly because I was sore from walking all over Seoul in really bad shoes.  Needless to say, I told myself to just observe the emotion.  I waste so much time judging.  I have thought that by judging and processing that I will find the answers, but I end up in a big puddle of guilt and blame.

So, during practice it came to me: forgive. Sure, I need to learn to lighten up a little more and be more flexible to what other people enjoy doing (even if I find it boring), but the bottom line is I never forgive myself.  Instead, I’ve harboured angry feelings of my inadequacies coupled with a long history of frustrations over not being able to let go.

I need to relax into myself and be okay with what has happened in the past and move on.  I guess I’m hoping that finding forgiveness within will help me find the peace to not be so rigid (and also, let go).