Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
How much criticism is acceptable? How much criticism can you deflect?
As long as I’ve been in Korea, there are some things I just can’t get used to. I’ve tried so hard to let things roll off my back and for the most part, most days, its not that big of a deal. I realize, I am living in their country and am subject to their social rules. One of my biggest gripes is haphazard comments about my physical appearance. This is the one thing I could’ve never had prepared myself for prior to my arrival.
For a culture that prizes itself on age and respect, something that completely doesn’t apply to respect is comments about your physical appearance. If you are slightly tired, its a guarantee that someone will make a comment. If you gain any weight, someone will make a comment. If you’re a woman and decide one day to not wear make up or to do your make up differently, you will receive comments, most likely in the form of, “are you sick?” “what’s wrong with you?” “you look better with make up.”
In western culture, we view this as not only uncouth, but downright disrespectful. This is what I look like and unlike a rising number of the Korean population, I’m not going to undergo surgery to make my eyes bigger, my nose bridge higher, or my stomach smaller.
Many of my Korean friends/students are surprised when I tell them how unacceptable it is to make a negative comment about someone’s appearance. They view that their concern over their appearance means they care about you. Some have told me that I should make a retort about their face, so they know how rude it is. However, although they might cause harm with their words, I don’t believe that is their true meaning. If I were to retaliate with a harsh comment, I would unfortunately be meaning harm.
I know better than this. I know this wouldn’t be the kind or right thing to do. An eye for an eye doesn’t change anything.
Usually, I have to swallow my pride and it isn’t always easy. I was at salsa and the guy I was dancing with said, “I want to buy you hand cream. My hands used to be dry all the time, but now they aren’t so bad.” I was so insulted. A complete stranger! But, the music was loud and the language barrier was high – and I couldn’t do anything other than give a forced smile and a “Yes, I know.”
What can I do? I have always had a tendency towards drier skin. In fact, I’ve been so embarrassed about holding hands with my boyfriend in the past because of it. Koreans tend to hold hands a lot (girls with their girlfriends I mean), so this has been an insecurity of mine that has been revisited frequently. I’d like to add that shortly thereafter he said, “You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever danced with.” However, I had already been so bruised about my dry hands and the comparison to a reptile, that the potentially flattering comment did anything but absolve the first insult.
We all can’t look the same. We weren’t meant to look the same AND we aren’t supposed to! This is the beauty of the world! I don’t want Koreans to undergo the knife so they can have features that aren’t their own because then they’re no longer 100% pure Korean. Wearing fake eye lashes, dark contacts to make my eyes look bigger or 3 layers of make-up everyday, won’t change the fact that I still would have to take it off when I got home. I’d argue that some of the most beautiful people’s appeal is the fact that they look different than the norm.
If you’re Korean, I can imagine after hearing, from your family, that you have small eyes, short legs, a big face, or that you’re fat that you think its acceptable, but it isn’t. Instead, if you’re wanting to make foreign friends, try asking, “How’s it going these days?” “How are you feeling?” “How are you adjusting to the culture of Korea?”
If the person responds with “Fine.” Then, leave it and resist the urge to say something about their physical appearance. This bit of courtesy will go a long way. It shows us more that you care when you ask how we feel and we’ll be more inclined to have a longer conversation with you – or maybe even befriend you.
So, while I can’t change culture, especially since its not my own, I can be aware of my own actions and work on letting it go. I’ve only got 4 1/2 months left in Korea, I can accept it as just words.
like you’ve said, it is their culture. (commenting on other people’s appearance)
and.. there really isn’t anything you can do about it. as long as you’re in korea (or most asian countries, i think).
i’m Chinese, and have been hearing negative comments from my parents (and other “concerned” people as well) since i can remember.. i guess they think they’re helping you by pointing out the ‘problem’ areas where they think you can still improve on. on the assumption that maybe before they pointed these things out, YOU WERENT AWARE of the problem. so they think its their duty to tell you (sort of like having to tell someone that their fly is open to save them from further public embarassment, etc.)
so.. dont take it too personally. and by all means, DON’T ADOPT the custom. if you come back to the states and start pointing out peoples physical flaws and saying these things to people’s faces.. i can just imagine the amount of hate you’d probably receive in return.
PS – am a fan of your ‘life in korea’ blog posts
so informative, and well-written. 
Hi Tintin,
Thanks for your thoughtful words!! You’re right there’s nothing I can do but adapt to it for now, but not ADOPT it! Great choice of words.
There’s some things that I don’t view as problems, but in Korea *maybe same applies in Asia* it appears they do. You know, if a person has small eyes or a big face, it shouldn’t be a problem or something to be concerned over. I suppose that’s what frustrates me. Of course, I guess I’m “fortunate” to have “big eyes” and a “small face,” but even if I didn’t, I don’t think its something that should be viewed as problematic.
Anyway, I hope you don’t take any of that negativity too seriously!! I guess they *mean* well. Thanks again for sharing, I really appreciate it!