I have a really bad habit of telling people they can do things a certain way, even though I want things a different way.  I guess it’s me not wanting to impose (and be seemingly less selfish).  For example, I may tell person x, “hey don’t worry about hanging out later, I know you’ve got a lot going on.  If you can great, if not, no worries!”

In reality, it’s me wishing they’ll be able to hang out or whatever later, and me hoping if we don’t, I won’t take it personally.  I suppose a lot of it is also me attempting to be selfless, but then I get stuck in a lame cycle of feeling sorry for myself.  Perhaps some of it is hoping I really won’t take things the wrong way, or won’t expect.  People often mistake me for being super cool or understanding as a result.  I typically get over it pretty quickly, or I think I do at least, but why is it that I would say one thing when I mean another?

Anyway, I’ve been exploring the chakras lately (I have a test this weekend).  I often have a lot of issues with my jaw tensing up.  A big portion of my yoga practice is relaxing my jaw, which means if my ujjay breath is too powerful, I end up with a headache by the end of practice.  I think my chakra of focus is the vishuddha, or the throat chakra.  The throat chakras organ of sound is the ears and it’s organ of action is the mouth (expression).

In the past, whenever I’ve avoided any sort of confrontation, or in this case, said something would be okay (when in fact, I didn’t think it was), my throat generally gets some sort of blockage.  It always seemed so strange to me, but now, it totally makes sense.  I guess, I’ve been blocking what I was really wanting, causing me anxiety.  I guess I’m not really sure how to express myself better, nor do I know how to say what I want without sounding like a demanding, self-centered 25 year old.  I wonder, when does one learn to be detached from the outcome of things?

Which brings me to the next question, why is my throat & jaw tightening up as I’m writing this? I do have to work tonight and I have a lot of studying to do, but I don’t think I’m suppressing anything.   This doesn’t make any sense to me.

Wow, I am asking a lot of questions these days.  I wonder if anyone else thinks about this stuff, or if I’m really going looney.