Yogini’s Quest

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said “No”
It is not for me to take away,
But for you to give it up.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said “No”
Patience is a by-product of tribulations;
It isn’t granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said “No”
I give you blessing,
Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain
God said “No”
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
And brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said “No”
You must grow on your own,
But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said “No”
I will give you life,
So that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me love others,
As much as He loves me.
God said “Ahhh….finally you have the Idea!”

-author unknown-

Despite all the negativity from yesterday, I’d like to say that the turn out was really successful (well, in my foreign opinion).

Here are some shots from the demonstration.  It’s quite apparent that I need a new camera.

When I say I don’t care, I really mean I do…and when I say something shouldn’t matter, it probably does matter – probably too much.

This past weekend we hosted an open house at the yoga shala.  I wanted it to be a way for the community to gain more exposure about the shala and increase the number of students. Additionally, I wanted it to be a way to bring together the foreign community with the Koreans.

Just when I thought I was equipped to bridge the gap, I found out rather quickly, that I wasn’t.

Shanti isn’t used to teaching large beginner classes, plus our teaching style varies quite dramatically.  The open class for beginners we were offering ended up being a bit of a disorganized mess.  I have always taken a more lax approach about teaching and while she was leading class, I would stand to the side, lean against the wall, or squat down to listen.  Apparently, this is not good conduct for a teacher.

She had invited students from 1-2 hours away to come to the open house.  I didn’t understand why because none of them can attend classes at the shala because of the distance.  The goal was to focus on the local community.  However, I realize now, it was for image.

These students misunderstood it to be a class where they could watch Shanti teach beginners, a class for them to take notes, and practice their adjustments.

Shanti was in a bit of a panicked state after the short beginner class (which ended 45 min early) and i didn’t understand why she was so upset.  After all, sh*t happens.  It was our first open house, but between the language barrier and then being unprepared, made her quite a wreck.

I also shouldn’t have gotten so involved with her so much during the class because it is her shala and I overstepped my bounds.  Additionally, teachers are always serious, strict, and rigid…essentially unapproachable.  The exact opposite of me or anything I’d want to be.

We had our yoga demonstration, which I thought went really good.  But apparently, while I looked relaxed and full of enjoyment, the other 3 korean yoga teachers looked like they were in pain.

Of course, this is all feedback from the Korean community.  The feedback I received from the foreigners was positive and I do think more people will start participating in the shala.  My goal was accomplished.  However, I didn’t realize how much everything was about image.  You don’t want to lose face in Korea (or anywhere in Asia).  I think Shanti felt like she did.  We all talked for awhile after and there are just some cultural things you can’t prepare yourself for…you just have to learn by living and making mistakes.

In America, the independent and people who are different are often quite successful, they’re the movie stars and the successful business owners or entrepreneurs.  In Korea, if you stand out too much, you run the risk of being a social outcast.  I learned that I need to respect the culture more.  Though, I can never be Korean and will never understand these cultural nuances, I still am living here and need to respect the social etiquette.

Oh well, life happens and the important thing for me to now focus on, is not dwelling on the negative stuff, but the positive things I learned.

If you know me well, you know I have a HUGE soft spot for dance/trance music.

As I’ve been working through my own internal stuff, my biggest challenge is approaching my life differently than in the past.  Rather than allow myself to sink into guilt because I shouldn’t have done or thought that, I’m trying to laugh and accept (thanks Laruga) my follies.

For example, if I think a negative thought about someone.  In the past, I’ve typically dwelled on how horrible of a person I am for thinking that way.  Instead now, I’m trying to just acknowledge that I should choose a more positive path, bless the person, and see their life full and happy…and the same with mine.

Another example, self-loathing.  Accepting my body and appearance as it is has been a definite struggle for me.  I have in no way won this battle either.  I’ve mistreated my bodies in ways I have hated myself for.  Rather than wasting energy and filling my life with guilt for hating myself, I’m working on constantly believing “it’s okay, next time we’ll take a different approach.”

I’ve frequently spent time apologizing, crying and pleading to “God.”  I’m always asking for change, acceptance, love.  However, it dawned on me, God is already willing to change, accept and love me, it is I who need to change, accept and love myself.

So. whether God, Krishna, Allah, etc does or doesn’t exist, to plead to a higher power and sit aimlessly doesn’t always make sense.  God has already given me the power, I am a living, breathing being after all.  Now, I suppose it is up to me to take that power and change my thoughts.

Whether the symbol of the circle appears in a primitive sun worship or modern religion, in myths or in dreams, in the mandalas drawn by Tibetan monks, in the ground plan of cities, or in the spherical concepts of early astronomers, it always points to the single most vital aspect of life ~ its ultimate wholeness

C.G. Jung

Supposedly, the coldest days of winter are behind and I’m so thankful if this is true.  My first real winter has done quite a number on my body.  I’ve been experiencing so many issues with balance since I arrived in this country and just when things seemed to finally smooth out, they were disrupted again at the end of November with the temperature drop.

I’m now ingesting coconut oil with food, in addition to my daily oil (abhyanga) massage with sesame oil (thanks Mom & Dad).  I’m feeling better these days and am now taking a lot of vitamin and herbal supplements that I ordered from America.  I just want to be comfortable in my skin…however, I believe that a lot of this discomfort I’m experiencing is deeply connected to something more intense within.

Anyway, in my determination (and stubborn nature) to feel normal and comfortable here, I’ve been spending a lot of my morning time before or after my practice diving into Louise Hay’s, You Can Heal Your Life.  This morning I had a rude awakening when I reached the exercise in letting go of resentment.  The horrible truth is that I can come up with something negative or think of the flaws for most people in my life.  A large portion of that negativity is either because they have something I wish I had or I probably see something in them that I dislike in myself.  Out of a lack of appreciation for the wonder and uniqueness in my life, I’ve spent too much time undermining others in an attempt to elevate myself.  However, the truth always rears its ugly head and putting down others not only makes me feel worse, it also creates a dark space where joy could be.  I’ve essentially alienated a lot of potential bliss out of my life.  How and when did I come to be so hard on people? I instantly realized that I am even harder, particular, and more vicious to my own self.

The exercise of resentment involves thinking of  a particular person who I feel some sort of resentment towards and imagine them now.  This morning, I started visualizing all the people who’ve come in and out of my life.  Once I realized all the faces of people who’ve done me wrong or I’ve wronged, my heart caved with sadness.  The imprints of memories and faces trace all the way back to middle school.

After visualizing one person, I’m to think positive thoughts and only send them love, happiness and good things into their life wherever they might be.  I decided I should probably spend a day to focus on sending loving thoughts to one person at a time.  The final task: imagine myself and think only the same loving thoughts.  I am guessing the exercise completes itself when I no longer harbor any resentments toward anyone.

Annnnd, I think I have a couple of months work ahead of me….maybe I should focus on ten people a day

Midway through the week was a rough one.

We all like attention, the types of attention we seek obviously varies from person to person.  However, I’d argue to say there are two main categories people fall under: positive and negative attention.

I see it in my students all the time.  There are the overachievers who want nothing more than to tell me their stories and get good grades.  They participate in class and stay focused always.  Then, there are the ones who don’t want to do their work, always yell out (dumb) comments to get a reaction, and typically don’t get good grades.  I sometimes want to murder these ones because they suck the life out of the classroom and often ruin the potential enjoyable class.  Of course, there are the ones who are in the middle, some get good grades, some get bad grades, but most of the time, they remain anonymous during class and don’t stir up any trouble.

Every class is so different.  Some days classes pass smoothly and others it feels like an utter disaster and I’m failing miserably at teaching.

Last Wednesday, my second class (the middle schoolers) was one of those horrible nights.  The hard part about middle school kids is the addition of the shifting hormones.  The quiet elementary student will eventually warm up and have a conversation.  In contrast, the quiet middle school student won’t shift a bit.  So, if he/she doesn’t understand, they’ll tell me they understand.  I had a student tell me to “go away” because he didn’t want my help, but I was aware that he was asking the student next to him, in Korean, for help.  Am I to discipline the student for speaking in Korean, only to further exacerbate the bad situation with the already awkwardly quiet student?  What does one do in this situation?

I won’t drone on about the endless frustrations of teaching.  Nor will I continue about how a negative seeker student would the positive attention they want if they would just do their work and calm down.

All of this goes back to me, obviously.  Wednesday night I had near nightmares about teaching and awoke feeling rattled, unrested, and irritated.  Thursday’s practice was a challenge and I mentally wrestled with the thoughts of guilt.  You know, how did I let my classes get this way? The thoughts of me needing to be more rigid and boring during teaching seemed to be at the forefront of my mind.

Additionally, I realized my own need for positive attention.  I see so much of myself in teaching.  My own character flaws are quite apparent as I handle behavioral situations with my students.  I just want to be liked and I realized that it still is important to me.  I don’t want negative attention from my kids and I feel so much guilt when I have to discipline a child.

Needless to say, I approached classes Thursday exhausted and with a sort of monotone attitude.  Funny thing is, both classes passed by quickly.  However, I didn’t like the mental and emotional bashing that I allowed myself to experience.  I have to let go of this guilt.  I have to let go of the need for positive attention.

So, I woke up yesterday and felt so alert and awake.  My body didn’t have any of the usual caffeine cravings, even though I still could’ve slept for one more hour.

Practice felt good too, no pain or stiffness. I was a little sore from taking a Tae Kwon Do class Friday night, but I felt really relaxed.  This morning?  My neck and shoulders were slightly sore, but I felt really good.

I know the amazing day after effects won’t last forever, but it is nice to see how the body responds when it’s clean and happy – the way it should be.

It’s interesting to experience different sorts of cleanses after studying ayurveda.  People do all sorts of things constantly to clean their body of toxins.  After all, stuff gets stuck in pipes and tubes quite frequently and just accumulates over time.  It isn’t until we’re in our 50’s with chronic back pain, neck soreness, constipation that we can no longer ignore the pain.  As a result, we finally feel the need to go to the doctor and he usually just puts us in another group of similar symptoms and gives us some medicine.

However, taking some prescription meds (as a vaidya once told me), is basically just putting a band aid over the problem.  The problem is never resolved and is still lurking, waiting for an anxious moment to trigger its return.

So what about quick fix cleanses?  I’ve never had a colonic, but according to ayurveda, they are unhealthy because they are drying and aggravate vata, which rules the colon.  Additionally, only part of the colon is ever reached, so it’s only a quick fix solution. If you are going to do an invasive sort of basti, it is recommended to do an oil enema, which is nourishing for the colon.  I think anything that starts at the top of the body (the mouth) and passes throughout the entire body is a better approach.

So, would I do the liver cleanse again?

I’m not sure.  I don’t really enjoy drinking oil.  In fact, I’m intending on doing pancha karma when I get back to India, but the thought of drinking ghee makes me want to throw up.

We shall see.

My body is really, really sore.

Disclaimer: This post is a bit of a graphic description of my liver cleanse results.

It was NOT easy.  I drank coconut oil instead of olive oil and thought I was going to throw up the oil right after I drank it.  I know, I know we all have different sorts of stomachs.  I have a girlfriend who did a mini panchakarma and loved drinking the ghee in the morning.  In fact, she wanted to continue doing it after the cleansing was finished.

I, on the other hand, can barely handle ingesting 1-2 tablespoons without feeling sick.

Anyway, I went to bed after the oil and felt really nauseous.  I think I laid there uncomfortably for about 3 hours and finally passed out.  I woke up at around 4 am and had the first go at the bathroom.

I don’t know how many visits later, stuff was still coming out.  I forgot to remove the blue tab in my toilet (you know, the thing that tints the water), so I had a really hard time seeing anything properly.  I am pretty positive I saw a lot of stones though.  No, I didn’t take the time to pull them out of the toilet.  Sorry to disappoint you (though, I kinda wanted to see a picture after myself) but I wasn’t feeling so swell through the process.

Anyway, it was finally 6 am and I had no idea how I was going to drink more epsom salts.  I was feeling incredibly dehydrated, which might be why I’m feeling so sore right now, and my lips are chapped.

I managed to drink the 3rd glass of salts at 6:15 and stayed up as long as I could, but exhaustion got the best of me.  Maybe an hour later, I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up.  Of course, I hadn’t eaten anything since 2 pm yesterday so, I knew it would be some unpleasant dry heaving.  I dragged myself back down the stairs and found myself in a balasana sort of position on the floor – then the final trip to the bathroom.

Maybe the last 3 trips to the toilet, not much came out.  However, the last trip really kicked me in the butt (literally, hahaha) and I felt horrible.  Long story short, I didn’t drink the fourth cup of epsom salts.  I crashed on my coach after the last bathroom visit and was not in a happy place.  Not to mention, I had the world’s worst dreams last night.

Anyway, right now, I feel weak, dehydrated and not happy.  But, I’m glad I can eat soon.  Time to rehydrate.

Sometimes it is necessary to do the wrong thing for the right reasons.  The important thing is to be sure that our reasons are right, and that we admit the wrong – that we do not lie to ourselves, and convince ourselves that what we do is right.

Khader Khan ~ Shantaram

I have a girlfriend who is super busy teaching right now.  She doubled up for winter classes and is teaching 6 days, 45 hours a week, for four weeks.  Yes, a nightmare.  It’s not so bad for those who work 50-60 hour work weeks, but it’s rather brutal when it is spent all day with kids and you can’t deviate from the curriculum.  There is no “free” time for arts and crafts, or outside breaks, or movie sessions, it’s all books, all the time.  My friend and I taught the 6 days together last summer and I couldn’t (wouldn’t) do it again.

Anyway, I received a desperate sort of email after I returned from the yoga shala.  She’d forgotten about her Dad’s birthday and her mom had sent her an email.  So, she spun up web of lies, the panic sort of response, and said her internet stopped working, she didn’t have a calling card, and work has been crazy.

However, she feels horrible for lying…

I thought about it for awhile and remembered reading that passage.  Sometimes we do things, even if they seem like the wrong choice, because we’re trying to do the right thing.  I know, in my girlfriends heart, she felt so much guilt for forgetting her Father’s birthday.  She didn’t want to hurt him.  However, in moments like these, it’s good to think about what’s going on.

What is it worth it to lie or twist the truth?  Do we dare decide to carry the burden of guilt and fabricate the whole thing further with a lie?  Will divulging the truth, really have harmful effects?  Are we just trying to save face or is there some real damage that could be done?

In the past, I’ve lied to those closest (my family) to me.  But, sometimes the truth would’ve hurt them more.  I think sometimes there are somethings that people just don’t need to know – not because it isn’t their business – more because the extra knowledge may have detrimental effects on them.

Though, if I had taken the time to examine my fears or potential consequences, I might’ve reconsidered making the “wrong” choice for what seemed like the “right” reason at the time.  I have realized that the supposed consequences aren’t often as bad as we think, sometimes the truth can hurt, but a lie can have more of a damaging impact on our subtle mind.

The past seven years I’ve spent saying that I don’t want children.  In fact, typically I don’t  enjoy being surrounded by children for extended periods of time.  It’s oddly ironic that I’m now teaching and laughing with kids 6 hours a day.

My yoga friend/teacher has a son who has been visiting for the holidays for the past 3 weeks.  He’s been away studying at an international school in Bangalore and just started his 4th year.  He’s 14 years old.

He’s brilliant and speaks perfect English.  Additionally, he speaks some Chinese, some Hindi, fluent in Korean (obviously), and is going to learn French.  His mom finally convinced him to meet me.  Of course, she had to bribe him with a fancy lunch meeting.

She’s so proud of him and wants nothing more than to share him with others.  There’s a joke of a saying parents sometimes say to their children in trying times, “Just wait until you have your own children, then you’ll know what it’s like for me.”  It instantly hit me. I don’t need to have my own children to understand the dynamics of this situation.

I realized upon meeting him why one would want to resist meeting me.  It’s not “me,” he’s resisting, it’s me being his mom’s friend.  He is a teenager after all.

She told me earlier in the week, “I don’t know why he doesn’t want to leave the house.  He’s being so selfish.”

Not too long ago, I wanted nothing more than to spend my time alone and away from my parents and their friends.  After all, they were not “cool” enough and would only pry.  We would have nothing in common.

I have this odd ability to get people to tell me weird things.  Within ten minutes of being seated, her son started sharing all these things.  My girlfriend went to go gather food (buffet style) and he starts talking about life with his friends in Bangalore, even the “well, I’m not really sure if I should be telling you this…“

To which I respond, “eh, it’s okay, I don’t care.”  I suppose people don’t want to share things because they fear they will be judged by the other person.  It’s almost as if the moment a person says those words, “not sure if I should be telling (sharing) this…” that my blinders are removed and I’m preparing myself to not judge.

I understood why he has no interest in yoga, though his mom kept pressing the question.  He’s interested in being with his friends and playing sports.  Then, we started talking about music. I’m not really huge into music, but we related over Kanye, Rhianna, Timbaland.  His mom was chiming, “Ohh who?  Ah, I don’t know who that is.”

He told me as he’s gotten older he’s started to miss his family and Korea less and less.  I understand.  It’s also interesting for me now because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to appreciate my family more and more.

I was chuckling to myself.  I get it, I understand why he hasn’t wanted to leave the house and why his mom thinks he’s being selfish.  Of course, I remember not understanding why I was being told I was selfish, I remember feeling like there was nothing to relate to my mom or her friends about.

I did speak to another Korean friend later.  She told me that his behavior is selfish because in Korea, family is first.  So, perhaps I’m making excuses – bottom line, him being away from east Asia, entrenched in a private school, with hundreds of other western adolescents is westernizing him.  It’s kind of sad in a way…the inevitable adolescent behavior a child experiences in the “west.”  I guess it does make ones nature more self-centered.