Analysis of self-saying it’s okay, when it really isn’t
I have a really bad habit of telling people they can do things a certain way, even though I want things a different way. I guess it’s me not wanting to impose (and be seemingly less selfish). For example, I may tell person x, “hey don’t worry about hanging out later, I know you’ve got a lot going on. If you can great, if not, no worries!”
In reality, it’s me wishing they’ll be able to hang out or whatever later, and me hoping if we don’t, I won’t take it personally. I suppose a lot of it is also me attempting to be selfless, but then I get stuck in a lame cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps some of it is hoping I really won’t take things the wrong way, or won’t expect. People often mistake me for being super cool or understanding as a result. I typically get over it pretty quickly, or I think I do at least, but why is it that I would say one thing when I mean another?
Anyway, I’ve been exploring the chakras lately (I have a test this weekend). I often have a lot of issues with my jaw tensing up. A big portion of my yoga practice is relaxing my jaw, which means if my ujjay breath is too powerful, I end up with a headache by the end of practice. I think my chakra of focus is the vishuddha, or the throat chakra. The throat chakras organ of sound is the ears and it’s organ of action is the mouth (expression).
In the past, whenever I’ve avoided any sort of confrontation, or in this case, said something would be okay (when in fact, I didn’t think it was), my throat generally gets some sort of blockage. It always seemed so strange to me, but now, it totally makes sense. I guess, I’ve been blocking what I was really wanting, causing me anxiety. I guess I’m not really sure how to express myself better, nor do I know how to say what I want without sounding like a demanding, self-centered 25 year old. I wonder, when does one learn to be detached from the outcome of things?
Which brings me to the next question, why is my throat & jaw tightening up as I’m writing this? I do have to work tonight and I have a lot of studying to do, but I don’t think I’m suppressing anything. This doesn’t make any sense to me.
Wow, I am asking a lot of questions these days. I wonder if anyone else thinks about this stuff, or if I’m really going looney.
Discretion
Thursday mornings are improv style. Generally, I take Thursday mornings as a break from the sometime mundane and frustrating aspects of my regular mysore practice. Most of the time though, I really wish I could do my full practice everyday. I almost was going to practice down the street at a small studio which offers a mysore program, with no adjustments. So, I guess it’s really just a free for all class, the last time I went though, they were playing Wah! Savasana and I thought I was going to fall asleep in downdog.
This morning I decided to attempt to practice alone in my kitchen at around 6:20. Now, with previous attempts, I’ve flipped over into the stove, gotten distracted by my phone, skipped poses, in fact, I think I’ve skipped half of my regular sequence. I managed to do my entire practice today, a whopping two hours and I didn’t eat it in my stove. I made two attempts at floating into bhujapidasana before I actually landed it, and yes, my wrists were aching today, but overall, I absolutely LOVED it. Wow, what an amazing experience. Although, if I do that too often, I’ll really never be able to get my right leg behind my head.
I wonder if I lack in discretion with people close to me. Well, actually, I know I lack discretion. I am literally an open book with my friends, I have nothing to hide. I wonder though sometimes, if I reveal too much of myself? I mean, is it really a bad thing to share so much? Obviously, there are certain skeletons that should remain in the closet permanently, like that I’ve been to rehab. Oops. I guess that one was already out of the bag. It’s not that I’m trying to keep up an image or create one that isn’t real, but is there something to be said for leaving the past behind?
The Physical
My right wrist is totally bothering me. It’s been bothering me for a quite some time now, I’d estimate somewhere around 2mos. It does kind of freak me out a little because any sort of pain or discomfort for this long can’t be a good sign. I do notice I have a tendency to put more weight on the outside of my hands versus the thumb and the index finger. I think this may be the reason I’m having problems.
Ever since Matthew told me I was lopsided, I seem to have also lost my jump backs. One thing for sure is his talking and advising during practice triggered me to talk more during practice. Yeah yeah, bad lady. He does give some great advise though, which kinda defeats the whole “figure it out yourself” approach.
I finally decided to ask him how to jump into titthibhasana. First things first, how does one jump into bhujapidasana? So he told me it’s a combination of swinging the knees out, but keeping the knees up by the shoulders. It’s also not that necessary to lift up. I’ve tried coming into it from a handstand and I somehow end up with my legs wrapped around my elbows, not my triceps. I made about 6 attempts before I was about ready to explode (not really, I was laughing the whole time). Finally on the last attempt, I made sure not to straighten my arms so much, jumped up into a hover, kept knees in, and swung around - and wala! Actually, I believe my words were, “ahhh finally f*cking did it!”
Probably not the most appropriate thing to say in the middle of mysore. For fear (love that word) I wouldn’t be able to do it again, I didn’t try it again. Although, I should’ve…ah, yes, should’ve, would’ve, could’ve…famous last words
I’m getting sooo frustrated with my right hip and I know this frustration is only perpetuating the stiffness. Matthew looked at me when I was pulling my right leg around for eka pada, “Sore today?”
“No, just stiff.”
Even if I was only sore, I still can’t get that stupid side back…I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I CAN COMFORTABLY GET BOTH LEGS BEHIND MY HEAD.
Nothing but old memories
I randomly met AJ this past weekend. She’s so tiny. I happen to think there’s a lot of bigger women at our yoga shala - well, actually, I would argue the average height is somewhere between 5′4″ & 5′5″. I wonder, if the words I write make me seem like I would be smaller or taller? Or, better yet, does the image you create of me when you read my blog look anything like me? Okay, that’s a stupid question, for some of you long time readers, you have a good idea about what I look like, because I’ve posted stupid pictures of myself.
I happened to sub a yoga class for a friend yesterday. What a big joke. I realized, again, how much I don’t enjoy teaching. Well, I shouldn’t say “don’t enjoy;” I just really have no business leading people.
Random thoughts today, what is it with marriage? Why is it that so many women reach a certain point where they want to get married? Ie. If you don’t marry me by this, then that will happen. Is it only a matter of marriage so they can have children? I have a girlfriend who joined match.com with the sole intent of finding a mate, so she could get married, plus she’s ready to have children and her biological clock is ticking.
There is one big problem with these dating sites: everyone is so afraid to be alone, but once they get involved, they’re so afraid to be attached and lose their freedom. I mean, people openly put in their profiles what they’re looking for and what they’re ready for, but, as with the situation with my girlfriend, they all of a sudden don’t know what they want. Perhaps, they do know, but they’re afraid to make the jump. Of course, what do I know, miss relationship expert from all of my successes.
My sister is on the opposite end. Her boyfriend very readily talks about her being the one, wanting to start a family and wanting her to move up to Seattle. She doesn’t want to move and is scared to give up her life. She’s sooo attached to San Diego and her life here. My sister rarely gets emotional, can’t stand it when she is, and also doesn’t understand where and when the emotions are coming. Most of the time, her main emotion comes off as anger or bitterness. She, however, has been in four significant relationships since she was 19 (she’s 28 now). I mean, why does she keep getting involved in these long term relationships if she doesn’t like the loss of “freedom.” I, on the other hand, have a bad tendency of diving heart first into things and rapidly realizing I will only get burned very soon. However, by this time, I’m already knee deep, so I figure, I might as well sink all the way for the short however month(s) of time. I suppose a lot of it is analyzing the fear within, what is it about this person that I’m attracted to? Could I live without this person? What exactly am I getting out of this?
My sister told me to write down exactly what I wanted back in January and so did she. We talked about this last night and all of a sudden she said, “I don’t know what I want, I thought I did!” I wonder, if it’s all just fears arising. I mean, the whole idea of not knowing what we want. I think we all know what we want, but the road to getting it and the memory of the road we’ve already travelled can hold us back.
We are not equal
On a comment on my previous post, I made the bold comment of saying that men and women are not the same. I know, it seems obvious right? We aren’t equal. I know, I know, women fought bra-less to get us to be considered as equal, for equal pay, jobs, etc. Bottom line is we aren’t, we don’t look the same, we bleed once a month (when we’re regular), and we’re emotional. Now it’s not that I don’t think we women are capable of handling it all, but rather that the whole physiological cycling our bodies puts us through makes things a little more difficult. Now, if we could get a bi-weekly pension so we didn’t have to work so we could stay home and do household dutie, like gardening (b/c clearly I need A LOT of work on growing plants), then I would definitely start a strike “We are not equal!”
I’m not trying to say men aren’t emotional, they just don’t seem to be as emotional, ya know, as us women.
So do women have the ability to ascend more than men because we can be more in touch with our feelings?
I have no idea, that was just a random vata thought bubble that popped up in my head.
However, I will make the statement, men are from mars and women are from venus. I had a discussion with my neighbor last week over something I was irritated over. Her response to me was, “men are simple.” What? This answer threw me for a tailspin. I don’t think men are simple, they thoroughly complicate things with their lack of communication. Then I watched this stupid movie called P.S. I love you. Okay, it wasn’t stupid, my mom looooved it. I’m not much of a romance buff though, I’d rather watch a series of Tony Jaa films than another romantic heartbreaker. Anyway, in the first scene of the film there’s a argument between Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler, where then and there I realized, we females complicate everything because we get our feelings too involved.
Ahhh where’s the balance?!!
Whom whom whom
For some reason, all my practices this week have been jaw clenchers. Today’s was by the far the worst, not to mention that I’m on my moon today. I know, I know, I often speculate the whole concept of a ladies holiday. I think it can mentally bog me down too. For example, I was so distracted on how heavy I felt that everything else went out the door.
Matthew was all over me today. He made the obvious statement that I am lopsided, which is bad because it will develop one psoas muscle and create potential problems. Everyone is essentially lopsided in one way or another. I am dramatically stronger on my right side, thus why I jump back at a weird angle. I don’t typically like to talk about how my asana practice is going - mostly because there is no real reason. Today was interesting and rather humbling though. He had me do supta vajrasana crossing my right foot first into padmasana…damn that hurts! It also made me realize how retarded my practice is.
So, now I’m at work sitting in lotus with the right leg in first (I’m hoping this will help open my hip too)…of course, my right butt cheek just went numb.
Anyway, I’m not sure how many women actually follow the whole “ladies holiday” idea. Some women think it helps them to practice while they’re on their cycle and I wonder if sometimes it’s all about learning to not be attached (and take a break). I dunno.
Matthew Sweeney
It’s one of those stiff weeks. My neck is SO sore today.
So, Tim is out of town doing the big shasta retreat for the next two weeks. Matthew Sweeney gave a workshop this past weekend (which I didn’t attend) and will be teaching all of Tim’s classes for the next two weeks. We’ve only had one other visiting teacher come before now and that was the best thing for our shala. So it appears, the new temporary alpha male is Mr. Sweeney.
He was going around giving lots of assistance and adjustments. The one thing I noticed most of all was that he talks a lot. It doesn’t bother me one way or the other, hearing so much is quite a dramatic difference from Tim’s grunting and eyebrow communication. All of a sudden realized how much I appreciate Tim’s silent approach. While Matthew does offer a lot of great instruction, sometimes you do just have to figure it out.
Get better, everything is gonna get better
I came home last night and my neighbor’s son was sitting outside anxiously. I said, “What are you doing?” He told me he was waiting for his mom. I was wondering why he wasn’t running around causing havoc like he does when she’s around. He was so well behaved, his voice was calm, he was sweet…I paused, “Wow, I think I actually might like this kid.” This is a surprising thought because I wanted to kill him yesterday.
What was even more amusing was that I was also anxiously waiting to receive a phone call around this same time…I ended up pouring myself a glass of wine and standing outside with him. I thought, well, now this is just silly, here we are both waiting. When his mom finally pulled up, he became a different person. It was like this transformation took place, the monster child. He was demanding, whiney, and well, a 9 year old boy again.
It makes me wonder how I really look to other people when I get anxious.
Happy moonday.
Does Yoga cause injuries?
My answer: No.
If you believe the stiffness in our body truly represents the stiffness in our minds, then I would argue that injuries are caused by chitta. Chitta represents the unconscious mind/memory. If you think about it, children are so bendy. If you get a child to start doing gymnastics, they rock out those backbends. My guess for the hip stuff is that since it’s the opposite action that we walk, it takes a bit more time to open those.
So then, what if one has a lot of strength what does that mean?
I have no idea.
My good friend came over last night to cut and style my hair. Man, I tell ya, there is nothing like really being able to run your fingers through your hair. I know I have all these organic hair products right? They really just don’t feel as good as good ole redken products. Hair is considered an upadhatu (by product)of the asthi dhatu (bone). I wonder, does it really matter if I use organic shampoo or not?
Only 4 more…
Today is a thread hanging day. Practice sucked. In fact, it also sucked yesterday. I was going through some sort of mental battle, but I’m not sure where it’s coming from or why. It seems like it’s a lot of negativity and fear, but I’m not really sure what or why so it’s not affecting me too much at the moment.
I was so sore from jumping back…I’ve been doing this really rushed effort of floating back and man were my obliques, lats and shoulders sore. Anyway, I had no connection with my bandhas today. Eh, you win some, you lose some.
Weekends never last long enough. 
I am aching for some good wine and have this on the agenda for Friday.
I don’t really have anything memorable or great to say, just that I’m over working in an office. In fact, I’m over working at the restaurant. Can’t I just work from wherever I want and get paid??
